Pedicures: The shame, the gain and the suprises!

So....for weeks life, laziness and financial strain has kept my poor little tootsies from being brought back to perfection from the depths of crocodile impersonation. Today, thanks to a recent auto part return & $75 back in my checking account,  that all changes!

Of course, if you know me at all..you know by now that Im a hippie and I hate to shave my legs. You probably also know that shaving your legs is sort of essential when some stranger is going to be rubbing them. My poor pedicure lady. Wah Wah. I mean...to me, a few days of growth is nothing...but to a stranger it must feel like Sasquatch, or however u spell fancy beast. Yikes. In total embarrassment fashion, I allowed my conscience and happy nails, (the salon) to win and went ahead with the $18 up-sale. Cha~ching!

Now, dont get me wrong...there is alot in it for me. Extra rubbing, massage, peppermint foot splooge, feet that feel like a babys butt that all drag queens envy and less of a guilty gross feeling inside for making this woman service my reptiles.

All in all...the extra currency was well worth it! My muscles in my calves are loose as a goose, my toes are a sparkling and I wont complain day in and day out about my how bad they are anymore.

I walk away with a spontaneous essentially free pedicure, she surprises me with a toe crack and the pedi lady gets paid extra. Everyone goes home happy!

I just have to try to remember not to walk in requesting a pedi after a month of letting my vines grow next time.

Cerebrum No No's.

Dear Cerebrum...or whoever controls my memory: Please do a better job or talk to whoever controls my cravings and let them know I need some Ginkoba Biloba to enhance you. In the past month I've misplaced or lost my cell phone, my ID and Debit card on numerous un-countable occasions, my super prettiful hair flower accessory, my spare phone charger and managed to forget to zip my zipper on my pants when going out AND coming to work...only to realize later (and often when IN the bathroom already) that I have bright neon purple or lace panties on, just collecting some fresh air for the whole world to see!

By the way, you also don't have a very good sense of humor and can, to the contrary, be very cruel...Especially because you only allow me to notice things like my goodies hanging out after nearly an entire day at work....,, or my need for money and proof of alcohol drinking age AFTER I drive two hours to Orlando or am walking out the door for a much needed pedicure and brunch date.

It is kindly requested that you take it a little easy on me from now on and cut me a break. After all, Americans work the hardest and get paid the least out of any other country, didn't you know?!!?

I recently have been trying to remind myself to check for everything before I leave but.... I FORGET THAT I'M FORGETFUL!!! Talk about being set up for failure. ha! Perhaps I should invent a necklace that holds my id and debit card and looks ever so trendy or an alarm for my zipper that recites "Peek-A-Boo" when I clasp the button?!!?

*A Few Things I Try NEVER to Forget*

.To say thank you.

.To smile at strangers.

.To say bless you when someone sneezes.

.To be kind.

.To not let insignificant things frustrate me.

.To not judge others.

.To listen.

.To be humble.

.To give.

.To be honest.

.To not be selfish.

.To learn.

.To drink water.

.To take responsibility.

.To stand up for what I believe in.

.To not rush.

.To never call names.

.To communicate.

.To share.

.To jouney.

.To embrace.

.To love.

Alas, in honor of my zipper FAIL! today...and of Gary Busey being Fired on Celebrity Apprentice...here is a song that always makes me smile and forget that it's not about me. Wink, wink.

If you just realize what I just realized.

A friend once told me that once I turned 25, I would discover, realize and come to terms with alot of things in life. Here are 25...that I have since determined she is right about:

1.  I'm addicted to the internet.

2.  I hate socks.

3.  I do not think mainstream comedy is funny.

4.  I regret one of my tattoos.

5.  I have a very hard time letting go of my past or some of the people or decisions in it.

6.  I like it to be close to freezing when I sleep.

7.  Sometimes love is not enough.

8.  I can be really lazy, all the while, complaining about my beer belly or unfolded laundry.

9.  Quality of friends is way more important to me than quanitity of drinking buddies.

10. Everything reminds me of a song I've heard or know or want to hear.

11.  I still want to lay in a tub full of flour because of sticking my hand in flour when I was a child & loving how it felt.

12.  There is always someone who has it worse.

13.  I follow other cars too closely.

14.  I'm obsessive about silly things like the shower curtain being open when not in use or how something looks when I write it down.

15.  Everyone has a little wicked in their righteous.

16.  I have the ability to explode completely & feel everything or feel nothing at all. I can't choose which occurs at any given time.

17. I like the smell of weird/gross things, like armpits, belly button lint and ear cheese.

18.  I have a want and need to travel the world, even if only in death.

19. I seriously do not like lizards or loose hair.

20. I have a superstition about crossing my silverware while eating.

21. I like girls. Alot.

22. I like to swim naked.

23. I can cry watching movies more than I can cry in real life.

24. I'm learning to really like being home alone.

25. I'm as abnormal as they come, often wanting to be just as normal as they don't. 

Old Shadows...

I figure on the days that I have nothing awesome or witty to say, why not post something I've written and posted elsewhere/pre-blog? I mean...atleast then it will be here, as well, if Facebook turns into the anti-christ and steals my soul or my identity, right?!!? I've got to eventually post my Myspace writings/poems/etc. elsewhere before they turn into dinasaur dust and fall off the edge of cyber space. Here's a start:

Shadows follow,, and seem to reach out...
Dark distant reminders of fear and doubt.
Strangers they seem as they hold you so close...
Covering truth to what matters the most.

Shadows remain,, no matter the day...
Contantly observing, with nothing to say.
Cold in the dark and warm in the light...
Unbiast to judgment of whats wrong or right.

Shadows linger,, and I start to see...
They are forever imprisoned to not be free.
Extending my hand,, I reach for this pawn...
It is only then that the shadows are gone.

 and....the end.

Beam Me Up, Scotty!

Human emotion is overrated...or hormones are viciously evil.

I can't imagine that at home, on my planet, people get upset when you don't invite them every single place you go or freak out in traffic when flying their space cars. There is no existence of jealousy, greed or worry of what others think. There is no automatic hatred for slow elevators or the people clogging them up, who can't walk up a single flight of stairs...which inevitably causes you to want to shoot them in the face with a tomato bazooka. !POW, SPLAT, HAHA!

In my galactic universe....people share, they care, they are not judged, they live to embrace and conquer any kung-fu that the Matrix brings on. and yes,, sometimes there is a glitch. Sometimes we have to put the spaceship trip on hold for maintenance. Sometimes, there is a pill you can take or a drink you can drink or a feeling you can feel or a hand you can hold or an ambiance you can seize. and sometimes...,,, you just have to be broke down for awhile.

I was feeling rather vehement about some trivial human garbage this a.m., which luckily only lasted about 5 minutes. Still...in those 300 seconds of weakness, I felt helpless and not in control. Often when I have this problem....I try and close my eyes and think of some cartoon-like, completely ridiculous graphic (that I, of course, can create with paint) to smash or abolish such petty emotion and bring peace back to my core.

Today....this is what it took: A 1,000 lb. Acme/Wile E. Coyote/RoadRunner type weight that I can't think of the proper name for (nor does Google help me find)....but it did the trick for now.

Sigh....,so....until Scotty beams me up...., (which I hope is soon!)....my random and terrible artwork will have to suffice.

Life is like a box of rubber bands?!!?!?

As I am sitting here bored, watching the clock numerically climb, making conversation with my giraffe eraser, making my skeleton man do back bends and yoga poses on top of my computer speaker and, most importantly, constructing a rubber band ball...I'm also thinking. I'm thinking that things in life sometimes ARE like a rubber bands. Choices we make, actions we take, pain we cause and the innocent enjoyment we sometimes give others by doing nothing at all but being present.

Sometimes we snap (wah-psshh!), sometimes we break, sometimes we are s  t  r  e  t  c  h  e  d  to our limits or ignored, overlooked and under appreciated in a drawer full of others that seem just like us. However, if you look close enough, each of us is different and unique, whether by shape or size, flexibility, strength, color, stubbornness, the level of ability to bounce back (Boing!),, all the while all being capable of the same fate or destiny. Change,, constant change in form...inevitably until our death.

Who knows?!!? Maybe when I seriously popped myself in the face a few moments ago while constructing this boredom curing treasure, I hit myself in the head a little too hard....,, or maybe being random and crazy actually equates to having a solid point or unearthly answer to what in the hell we are all doing here?!!?!?  

Either way...., I've managed to eat up 15 minutes of my day without gaining a pound, write a new blog and almost draw blood from my cheek!! Yeah baby!!!!

Oh...didn't believe me about the giraffe and the skeleton man? Check this ish out!

Hello 5p.m.!!!! I'm bouncin'!

Attack! Germs, Intoxicated Missions & Boob Sploog.

I'm officially infected with Germs! Tiny little mucus monsters that hate me and have rented a mansion in my immune system to party in.

This party isn't fun,, at all. I need to show these little bastards how to play.

My hearing is gone and my head feels like it might just explode at any moment. All I can taste is all the debauchery I got myself into this past weekend. Fun, random and full of surprises...nonetheless.

It all began as a random venture to Orlando with my fav to visit an old friend, sitting in traffic for what seemed like eternity, trying to spot hot girls and find our anthem on the ipod for the weekend, realizing just when I needed it and only after reaching my destination...that I had left my ID and debit card two hours away at home. Sheer terror at first. Calm "what the hell else can I do" after that. I eventually gave in to just going with life's little trickery...or my forgetful memory. So, I started dancing like a maniac, drinking like a fish, sneaking into a club, laughing until close to throwing up, waking up looking like Medusa, eating delicious salad bar and free ice cream, a quicker drive back with depressing music, more drinks for the fish, awful ybor clubs where everyone had "X's" on their hands and the music was what I hear in my nightmares, brunch with the gays, a sudden & unexpected mission, singing Adele to the top of my lungs, sploog from a stress ball shaped like a boob exploding EVERYWHERE in the car and ending up in my hair and all down my back EWWwwwWWWW!, taking my clothes off in a McDonalds bathroom (that happened to be connected to a police station) and frantically washing the Ooz away, drying off under the hand dryer, going to a crawfish festival, saying random douchebag things to strangers, georgies, taco bus, losing my phone, catching the plague, calling off work, completing my mission (twice), watching movies about teeth in vaginas, connecting, disconnecting, uncontrollable laughs, chai, a walk, an attempted nap, a cab ride home and alot of reflection and nyquil that made me really high.

Needless to say, It was memorable, reckless, fun, stressful, journey loving goodness. All squeezed in to 80 hours of the 229,428 and counting that I've been breathing so far.

and even though all of that invited germs to come live inside me, or asked for this invisible elephant to sit on my chest...I'm thankful. Thankful that there are people out there who are embracing the ups and downs, living out loud and putting up with my crazy ass. Not to mention, loving me anyway.

*If I can promise nothing else in this life, it is that I will forever return that gift to those who will accept it.*

Now, this mucus queen (that's me) is off to listen to some lyrical vitamins and hope that the I can hear it through all the icky ca ca that is infecting my sinuses and the size of my head.

::Wanna know how long YOU have been alive? ~ Click the link below::

http://www.thepcmanwebsite.com/media/aff_games/aff_age.shtml