Im in Miami b*tch!

Well...not anymore. Now, I'm actually on a train headed back to the city I call home from the city of music festivals, not sleeping, drinking pitchers of bud light at hooters while observing the diverse cultural groups from the balcony, gay clubs with way too many rooms, cab drivers who get lost, salsa dancing with random women, going to irish bars alone, meeting random people and animal cops, discovering phobias, deep conversation, hysteric laughter until your stomach hurts, wonderful eye candy and my favorite peruvians.

And....I managed to walk away with new perspective, an appreciation of travel and experience, a deeper understanding and gratitude for  the quality of friends I have, a serious need to learn spanish, a slight hangover and a chunk of flesh missing from my elbow.

I'm truly blessed. Except maybe for almost missing the train, the a/c level being set on antarctic or the captivety of having to return to normalcy, reality or corporate america.

And so the world turns,, the train rattles along, a baby cries, my thoughts spin, my neighbor sleeps, my ipod plays my favorite tunes on my "train" playlist and I write, feel and cradle the unknown, reflecting and projecting...love in all forms.



Accidental Signature?

I was just messing around with paint and came up with this. I kind of really like it. ;-)

*Maybe it can be like my signature or something>?*

Happy Friday. I'm off to catch a train to Miami in an hour!



Creatures inside me.

So, yesterday I woke up with this minimal back pain that has amplified its power (to the power of hercules/goliath) today. I thought it was just a pulled muscle or pinched nerve on my lower right side at first, but am now starting to consider that it might be something more extreme. (Kidney stone, UTI, Ovarian cist, some powerful ghost of girlfriend's past...stabbing my organs to smithereens?!?!) It hurts to breath in too deep, bend over, stretch and laugh. I've been on the verge of wanting to cry like a baby in the fetal position and kill someone with a staple remover all at once today. On second thought, being murdered with a staple remover might feel better.

Soooo, I'm downing an ocean of Dasani (which I'm not even convinced is actually water, cause it sounds like soda when you open it and tastes a little like metal), taking cranberry pills, stretching the muscle and praying to my ex girlfriends and begging their forgiveness in exchange for a single pain free moment. To make matters even worse, I have peed like 728 times today and my arm twitch is also back. Havn't I suffered enough?!!!?

Maybe this is the universe telling me that I need to go to the doctor for once or get a primary physician and stop using the E.R. as a way to avoid a co-pay. Maybe after feeling so enlightened yesterday, I needed to be beaten down to a pulp or feel like I got jumped by a gang of prison inmates with pillowcases full of soap in order to appreciate the value of human health, life and understand what real suffering is. Or, maybe I was abducted by aliens and impregnated with a mechanic alien baby in the kidney with the hopes of fixing me being able to hold my pee for days or not require any form of  liquid during the day. Maybe this will turn out to be a reenactment of one my favorite scenes of Space Balls!?!?! How cool would that be?!?! Watch this video! I love it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aVZUVeMtYXc

Or....maybe I just really pissed off some creature bacteria and he is using a lightning bolt knife to slowly kill me...one little pain/aggrevation after another. He sure is good at his job. Maybe he needs a raise.

WARNING: The following may not be suitable to some viewers. Viewer discretion is advised.

Okay, I realize that this wasn't very funny or interesting at all...but I can't focus okay. Give a girl a break. ~ I hear my bed and a heating pad calling! uggggghhhh.

Mission R cubed.

When I think of  the phrase "R & R"...alot of different alliterations pop in my head (and we KNOW how much I heart alliterations!):

Rest. * Relaxation. * Railroad tracks. *

Rachel Ray. *

Reading Railroad. (especially with that catchy little tune).  *

Recycling. * Reusing. * Reducing. *

Roller Rink. * Random Repairs. * Rallied Revolution. *

Reverends. * Racoons. * Renaissance Rifles. *

Robbery Ransoms. * Relative Resemblance. *

Red Rum. (also known as Murder in that scary movie) *

Renegade Riders. * Romantic Rendezvous. *

Etcetera, Etc., Etc.

I'm sure you get the picture, although tons more completely unplanned "R" words are swirling in my mind right now...and could go on and on...but I want to try not bore you into a coma and be forced to deal with paperwork on whether or not to "Resuscitate" you. (ha! I tricked you and got another one in!).

Okay...for serious now....In harmony with Spring arriving this week, the vernal equinox being yesterday, my twitch finally being gone and a real need for a less cloudy purpose and brighter disposition in my life...I've decided that there are 3 "R" words that are crucial for all of us this season. And I'm going on a mission...a spaceship trip I'm officially calling "Mission R cubed". Mission:

 ~ Rebirth * Renewal * Regrowth ~

BLASTOFF! Spring and "springtime" refer to the season, and broadly to ideas of rebirth, renewal and regrowth. It's the time where the weather gets nice, you want to go outside, lay in the grass or to the beach again...you start to feel all giddy and lovey inside, the creative in you starts to bloom again and you get to wear your favorite shorts and tank top (after you lint roll all the cat hair and dust off). Say goodbye to the dark, cold, empty, deadness that was recently the outside of your house and the inside of you. There is something alive in the air again kids...and,, it also lives in you! Now, don't pretend I'm the only one who feels it and go messing up my positive world or I might have to hit you over the head with a gerber daisy. Just Sayin.

Nevertheless....embrace "R" Cubed! Join my mission...or create your own~!

Something I found for inspiration:

My version:

Hey! don't be hatin'. It's paint and I created it in, like, 1 minute. So take that!

May the force be with you. 

Rocks are hard.

I'm feeling much more sane than I was in the last post, although not completely (as I'm not sure that complete sanity looks good on me). I almost considered buying myself a straight jacket but they don't come in black or purple...and white is not the color my pasty self should be wearing EVAH!...regardless of when Labor Day is.

My life and world lately has felt like a roller coaster it's in a frying pan on high heat right before being put in the blender and set to puree. Motivation and insipriation being the seasoning right in there with it. Oh, and add a dash of anxiety, non-stop stress induced arm twitching, tears and heart organ juice. Yum! *This is making me hungry*

What's that famous saying?...oh yes..."I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place". Which in my head, looks something like this:



This phrase has always baffled the logical scientist in me, quite honestly. Don't you just pick up the rock and chuck it at the hard thing & break the rock....and walk the other way? Or use the rock as leverage to push the hard place out of the way? Jump over the rock? I mean, how big is it? I have no idea. I think the walls are the tough part...not what is on the other side, right?!!!? Whichever the answer, I'm still stuck, the shoe still fits and I figure if I'm going to be here awhile...why not search, in the meantime, for some beauty in between the walls?!?! So, that is what I'm trying.

::continues search::
In light of recent tragic world events (and no...not MY world...but the actual world, jeesh, I'm not an ego maniac!) such as the devestation in Japan, the nuclear crisis, massive gas fires in Minneapolis, Over 6,000 deaths from the Tsunami, the protests in Wisconsin, the unrest in Libya....(the list goes on and on) I'm trying to find  relief and thankfulness in the small things. The things so easily clouded with everyday stresses and personal speed bumps that in the end...in the bigger picture are not so detrimental in comparison. Being surrounded by the inevitable drama and chaos that human emotion eats for lunch is so incredibly minuscule in contrast. I'm almost ashamed of myself.

So...dear in between place...thank you, I'm starting to get it & it's not so bad in here. I'll glady live next to a rock and neighbor a hard place if it means I will postpone a kind of death by living, by losing, by gaining, by loving, by allowing, by giving, by receiving, by feeling. By truly living. I'll poke holes in these walls if I have to to let some sunshine in but I will not turn away the embrace, of beauty in the breakdown.

::enter acknowledgment to Anais Nin and Imogen Heap for a look through their eyes::

Pity Party.

In little to no words, this = how I feel today.



Aggrevation Avenue.

On today's episode of "Will Amanda fail miserably writing or getting people to read her blog" I'd like to discuss/vent a few small examples of things that drive me down aggrevation avenue. You know where I'm talking about...you've been there and you sure as heck never needed GPS to reach that destination. (Although often on the way to somewhere else, USING your GPS, following the directions of a sweet talking non human who keeps getting you lost....you often reach Aggrevation Avenue by accident.)

1. The commonly mis-used word "Fine". ~ Someone you know has been having a hard time with things lately so out of the goodness or your blood pumping organ you ask how they are doing with problem X in their lives. Now, you know this person well and they have admitted to feeling less than extremely happy lately, to say the least. With all genuine concern and care, you ask, anticipating a real answer that will spark conversation or the need to throw in your two cents or best possible advice giving. Instead, you get this response: "I'm FINE, as always!".
::BIG DEEEEEEP SIGH, cause you know that's a big fat lie::
You can't say anything. You can't dooooo anything. You can't pass them a dictionary and say...you should really read up on your definitions or define the word fine because you are using that word all sorts of wrong! You are now stuck knowing that Fine doesnt actually mean fine at all, forever. dumb, dumb, dumb
and...so begins your drive....

2. Chin Hairs. ~ What could be worse than black hairs growing like weeds from your face, nobody telling you they are there, and realizing that by the time that you find one on the middle of your chin hanging 4 inches long, you are at work and have no tweezers to rip it out and have had conversations with the atleast 5 people in the last 24 hours, one of which you like and who you thought was staring at your hot lips, imagining her say they resembled Angelina Jolie's or LL Cool J eating a peach. Right! Nothing is worse. Oh, except for trying to pick it out for 2 hours with your half bitten fingernails and a co-worker walking by wondering why your face is all distorted and your tongue is hanging out.
::Yes, I fell victim to a chin hair :: da na, da na, da na, da na
For your amusement, this is me today, complete with Snookie bump and all. (in case you didn't recognize the monster on my chin):

and...you are now speeding down aggrevation avenue, with no seat belt and hot coffee in your lap.

3. The "Reply All" email button. ~ After numerous re-printing of a document because spellcheck isn't picking up misspelled words in CAPS, you kindly write this overly detailed email to your not so computer literate co-workers, with step by step directions explaining how you just discovered how to fix the problem,, and also how you think it would be helpful and nix extra work if you all use it in the future, let me know if you have any questions, thank you, thank you, etc. etc. Then, you recieve a new email response (knowing someone won't understand and need your help & that will make you feel special) when one of your co-workers attempts to play comedian for the day or just be plain cruel and has so sweetly Replied To All, letting you know that you spelled "Grammar" wrong.  You've GOT to be kidding me!

CRASH, bAm, BoOm! *%&%^#*^*&+=^*! You've now reached aggravation avenue and hit the pissed off tree. Do not pass GO, do not collect $200.

Allegorical Tornados!

Auntie Em knew they were dangerous. Dorothy and Toto talked about it too! We can't avoid them though, unfortunately. Sometimes we do not have enough time, enough understanding, enough shelter to avoid the inevitable monsters!

Tornados are not just of the earth though boys and girls. We all have experienced tornados of emotion that sweep in, ever so suddenly, terrorizing all reason, choice and answer...forcing us to hide in the basements of our securities, behind walls, which have previously been stript of light and padlocked with fear....trapping us from what we need the most.  ::forgive my poor illustration.::

These mo-fo's are strong too! Like whoa. These sentiment monsters are more powerful than the poltergeist in your t.v. that can suck in innocent toe-haired children, Willow Smith whipping her hair back and forth or the vacuum cleaner on late night infomercials that can hold a bowling ball. They also effect everyone around you and you have no control to stop it. Kinda of a crappy deal huh? You can just be walking by someone at the grocery store and swoosh, you've sucked them in to your storm. Co-workers, swoosh! Friends, Swoosh! Lovers, Swoosh! Your obnoxious cat and the litter box, Swoosh! Before you know it, everyone you care about has been sucked inside the dismantling of your life and covered in poop.  ::insert bad illustration of poop::

::waits for you to get over the shock of the poop illustration:: So....what will we choose to do in this situation? Run for cover? Hide in the basement? Face this F*#ker unforeseen event head on, equipped with knowledge, care, perhaps a cool armored chest plate and one high powered Black & Decker blower?

I don't know about you but....I refuse to become some casualty.

Real Life Delete Buttons

Keeping on with the topic of technology...I was on facebook this morning and commented, with what I thought was a very dry sarcastic remark that everyone would laugh at, to a friends post. A few moments later that little "1" pops up to notify me that my friend has commented on my comment and I'm giggly like those babies on youtube that are completely amused by their parents ripping pieces of paper (what?!!? You don't believe me? I'll post the link at the end!). As any curious addict would, I click on the notification which directs me to the intial post. I'm very anxious to see what kind of smart @$$ rebuttal to my overly witty comment my friend has, that obviously won't add up ,, and BAM! No comments. Just the lonely original post sitting there in the abyss, pretending like the past 3 minutes of attention it just had, hadn't actually happened.

Reality then overtakes the panic & shock and I realize....she committed the ultimate sin, she DELETED my comment! How could she do that...? It was so funny! Wasn't it? ::enter self doubt:: I couldn't believe it! I found myself a little irritated & I mulled on this for awhile....

As I clicked and clicked to try and recover what had been lost forever, this horrific awakening got me to thinking...Wouldn't it be nice to have Real Life DELETE buttons. Yes! That is genius. ::does cabbage patch dance:: Still not convinced? Perhaps I should give you a few examples, which are a bit more extreme than deleting a FB comment (which I'm still aggravated about):

Example #1: You are holding the door for someone at Starbucks (at 7a.m. & just as tired and in need of caffeine) and they just walk right in and don't say thank you. Instead of getting angry and spending the next 5 minutes of your life being trapped next to them in line or polluted with wondering why people are so rude in the world, you just pull out your Iphone or Droid, pull up the Real Life DELETE App, point it at the douchebag and wham, bam, thank you ma'am...he or she is gone! Vanished. Finito! Imagine....suddenly you are filled with assurance that nobody will ever have to feel unappreciated ever again.

Example #2: You are having some intellectual debate with close friends at a restaraunt outside, discussing equality, civil rights, religion, the seperation of church and state, gay marriage or the definition of someone that is transgendered...when some redneck with one tooth and three strands of hair says..."Hey Ya'll...I couldnt help but to over hear your little talk over yonder and I gotta say...wooo two womens together just turns me on like donkey kong! and....aint transgender-ism a mental disorder or sometin'?". Sure, he means well...but....DELETE. (no explanation necessary I hope)

Example #3: You are walking down the street, minding your own business, on your way to lunch wearing your M-F corporate america wardrobe which you already hate, when some group of guys in a truck yell "Hey MA! Nice ass...or wooo hooooo, look at you, or licks their disgusting lips that are the last possible wall of decency before the stupidity comes gushing out. For this I suggest the Real Life Tommy Gun DELETE App *Complete with fancy sound effects*...for which you get all those douchebags in a single round. DE...DE...DE....DE....DE...DE...DELETE!

You're convinced now huh?!!? Kinda gives you a warm, happy feeling inside doesn't it.

Oh, before I forget. The amused paper ripping baby! Go ahead, research it...there are tons of these.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cXXm696UbKY

The Technology Monster. Rawr!

I'm starting to think that technology and the want requirement for instant gratification is turning us all into pouty, paranoid little pansies who are participating in particularly profane propaganda! *Sidenote: Alliterations turn me on*

SUFFERIN' SUCCOTASH!

Seriously though...today is one of the many days that I have emailed a friend, only to not receive a response back within what I consider, at that moment...to be sufficient amount of time. All of a sudden I turn into this defensive paranoid monster. (which might just look something like this....Rawr!)

So, I turn into this monster....emailing more and more messages I wont get responses to, automatically assuming that particular friend to be "mad" at me (or some other emotion I find less than justifiable to not respond to myyyyy E-MAIL!) ....ONLY to turn around and eventually get a response a.k.a slapped in the face with some harsh reality that they got food poisoning, their car broke down and they couldn't get to work, got their email shut off because they had to give their last rolled pennies to Progress Energy keep the lights on or something dramatic and WAY more important than returning my email message, which reads...."Hey buddy! We still on for lunch?" ::cricket, cricket::

Um...screeeeeeech. What in THEE hell is wrong with me? I cannot possibly be alone in this. Actually, I know I'm not because I've been on the receiving end of these messages a time or two and thought..."what in THEE hell is wrong with this crazy person?" Point Taken.

This example is just one of the many times and many ways this happens to us because we are SO incredibly spoiled with the return time of technology and so addicted, consumed and reliant on these "cyber" alternatives that when they fail to instantaneously please us, we turn into crazy people! Texts, e-mails, IM's, facebook chats, blackberry messenger, Google Talk, phone calls, Youtube, Tweeting about what you had for breakfast, what you will have for lunch, trying to delete your myspace page...etc, etc.

How do we keep up? How do we begin to obtain true quality of life? When do we stop just existing and start living? When do we CHOOSE to take the time to appreciate the small things, fight for equality and stand in unison when we are being taken over by faux happiness and quickly morphing into robots? These are the questions we should actually be asking ourselves.

::In best possible Robot Voice::

Stop mad.ness, love hu.man life. Take care of each oth.er. Take care of plan.et. Em.brace the be.a.uty of ex.is.ting, Be.fore we all crash and bu.rn. Than.k Y.o.u.

::End of Robot Voice::

*Cell phone rings, E-mail comes in, must check Facebook*

The dangers of hold music.

With recent budget cuts for county's throughout the State of Florida, the Clerk of Courts in Miami-Dade has recently laid off hundreds of employees, changed their phone answering hours to 9a.m. to noon only and switched to an automated system that is likely manned by one person with no education and an Iphone "Angry Birds" addiction who is getting some sick pleasure out of testing my patience.

As I patiently wait on hold to have a problem corrected that is the Clerk's error, I realize that the hold music is making me even more anxious and is bubbling my A.D.D. It starts off ever so soflty with violins and what sounds to be a triangle (like the ones you play in 5th grade music class when all the cool kids take the cool instruments and you are last to pick) and then suddently escalates to triumphant horn and drum sounds that make my teeth clench. OMG, It just disconnected me! Seriously?!?!? ::dials again and waits 20 minutes::

Oh, there is nothing that they can do....I have to call back in two days. wah-wah.

This brings me to research patience and figure out if they sell it on E-bay. Nope. Dang! Instead, here is what I do find:

Philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche argued that "being able to wait is so hard that the greatest poets did not disdain to make the inability to wait the theme of their poetry." He notes that "Passion will not wait", and gives the example of cases of duels, in which the "advising friends have to determine whether the parties involved might be able to wait a while longer. If they cannot, then a duel is reasonable [because]...to wait would be to continue suffering the horrible torture of offended honor...".

In lamens terms....this tells me that a duel is in order and reasonable!!!! Yay! I needed a reason today to put on my ninja suit and karate chop someone in the shin. Hi-Ya!

Tick tock said the clock....shut down said the brain.

And as the first post goes....I find myself staring at the clock at the bottom of my computer using all the voodoo mojo I know to get it to climb and alas,, FAIL. One and a half more hours before the evil time keeper rings 5:00p.m. and I hit the door running.

I'm slowly and against my will, coming to terms with my relationship between my brain and the clock and I'm thinking that it must be love. It's alot like normal relationships...or atleast the ones I have been in, which I'm not sure in that case, you can consider normal at all. It's almost like they rely on one another and work in synch and cancel each other out, excite each other, let each other down, play evil tricks, make each other sad or mad or happy, while every so often either cutting each other a little break OR trying to determine what to cut each other with! I have to take the position that this job is better suited for,, say....a news anchor...or someone that will remain emotionally stable going through these up and downs everyday, like "clockwork". Ha! Pun intended.

In trying to look at the bright side, or the light coming from the window I want to jump out of about this time everyday...I realize that atleast there is live streaming lyrical, musical amphetamines to keep my eyes from completely closing or to keep drool from painting my desk. Atleast the procrastination from doing real work is giving me the inspiration to write and not neglect this task or "new idea" like alot of the others I so easily and unfortunately betray.

::small pause to check FB recent updates for the 532nd time today, JUST to be sure that nothing drastic or life threatening happened while I was away for 3 minutes::

Whew. Nothing. What a relief!


What to do now....hmmmm?!!!??

Tick....tock. La la la, Do do do, la mi so fa so la ti doe! A deer! A d-e-e-r, A do do....a.d.d.? Oh yeah, I have that.

Maybe I will play more "Spent" and stop complaining while millions of Americans are actually struggling and do not even have a job or work to complain about. Oh wow, well now I feel like poopy. I better donate $10 or post the link for you to play.

 http://playspent.org/